Sweden: Pretty people. Lard balls. Ice.

There must be something in the water in Sweden.

I'm not talking about good tasting - although it is crystal clean and sweet, having been trapped in glacial ice for yonks before melting into a reservoir. There must be something in it that creates an über race of aesthetically stunning people that are able to run an ultra-liberal social democracy without much of a hitch. The last time Sweden picked a fight with anybody, it was with Finland in 1809. And they lost that one. I guess they smartened up to the fact that they're not much good at fighting and decided to develop world class modern social welfare, education and a strong economy instead (and spawn a million Ikea stores worldwide). I think there's something in that for all of us...

To throw another herring on the sprat pile, they're charming, intelligent and generous too. It makes you just wanna hate 'em...

Stockholm is a stunning city. Arriving on the cusp of Autumn, the classic architecture was covered in the yellow of oak trees shedding their leaves, creating a very serene cityscape - sans tourists. I met with my brother Tom who journeyed down from his ice haven in Piteå to greet me, and Staying at a 40 roomed hostel boat moored in the harbour (tres cool), we poked through old antique mariner stores, creperies and bookstores. I saw Lydia Lunch (Nick Cave's old flame) play at a bar called Debaser (name like that, I HAD to go..) and had a rocking time. It was a great gig.

From Stockholm, we flew north to Luleå and coached it to Piteå. This was the town where Tom has been studying for the last 3 months and has very nearly robbed him of a sane mind.

I pity ya, if you live in Piteå..
Piteå. As much as I enjoyed kicking it with mon frère, I need to set a few things straight with the Pitea tourist commission. Those of you that have been concerned that I have been uncharacteristically upbeat and happy on my travels can rest assured that I finally have some vitriol to publish. In particular, the tourist guide 'Piteå Presenterar' details various misleading facts that I would hope to set straight for future travellers to the region. My humble opinions respond to the various ludicrous statements made in this publication:

"Valkommen is the word we love to say in Pitea, and often do! Experience Pitea in the yar of 2004, the best town in the whole world for both short and longer visits." -Katarina Johansson, Piteå Turistbyrå

Thanks for the vilkommen, but it is an ambitious claim for, not only the best small town IN THE WORLD, but for both 'long' and 'short' visits. I had only a short visit to Piteå, but if I had stayed much longer, I think I might have chewed my toes off in boredom. Piteå is about 50kms from nowhere. Despite the university (reputable) and paper mill (smelly), there is very little going on here. Granted, there are few towns that have a snowmobile drive-through McDonalds, but even East Keilor would give you a run for your money in the 'best town' stakes. I mean, at least East Keilor is 'east' of something...

"To stay the night in Piteå, inexpencive [sic] or more luxurious is no problem, it's Your choise [sic]."

No Katarina, it's not my 'choise.' Nothing in Sweden is 'inexpencive' as you claim. I could hear my wallet creak in agony everytime I opened it to pay for something. I had to stop mentally converting prices to the old AUD when I bought things because it kept making me dizzy. To be fair, herrings were cheap and good. But how many herrings can you eat? I'm not a seal.

"A great number of restaurants are waiting for You in Piteå! Pitepalt is our own national dish and the Paltzeria is the first and only one in the world. Enjoy!"

Enjoy? Unlikely. The reason why it's the only restaurant in the world is because I doubt there is anybody else that would inflict these boiled lard balls filled with reindeer fat on anybody else. Yuck. If you ask people outside Piteå what Pitepalt are, they'll almost always have no idea (although, being generous and charming Swedes they will apologise for their ignorance and offer to phone somebody that does know). Folk that did know what I was asking about usually looked away in shame, likening it to eating a ball of tar.

While we are on the topic of disgusting exports of Northern Sweden, you can't go past snuss for a good laff. Snuss is effectively a teabag of very strong tobacco that is inserted between the gumline and the lip, where the nicotine is absorbed extremely efficiently into the bloodline. It is the sophisticated and entirely legal alternative to smoking in Scandinavia, with a much higher rate of addiction. Apart from giving its consumers 'snuss drool,' one of these teabags is the nicotine equivalent of filling your fireplace with lit cigarettes, climbing onto the roof, wrapping your mouth around the chimney and inhaling. As such, it wasn't for me..

"Gådgatan is Sweden's first car-free street from 1961. It has been much improved since then and is now profiled as Piteå's own 'walk of fame.' "

Well, it's a walk anyway. Fame eludes both this street and its visitors.

"One of the main attractions and reasons why people flock to Piteå is the wonderful bathing and beaches, not to mention the warm water and sun that never fails us."

Firstly, by all accounts, people flock from Piteå. Piteå is 100kms from the ARCTIC CIRCLE. So, like most people in Sweden, you are probably more likely to go to, I don't know, Spain or Greece where the temperature is more reliably ABOVE freezing point. And has LESS ICEBERGS. What's more, I would humbly suggest that a sun that rises for 5 hours a day before plunging the country back into darkness - is one that fails you. Tremendously.

So, apart from tourist advice that hinges on lunacy, I had fun here (I love being angry!) and Piteå isn't so bad. It´s a great place to, i don't know, hide bodies or something (if thats what you're into). I learned that saunas are great places to have a beer. I met some cool people (hej Peter, Annie, Conor et al - word to your mums). I spent some time with my brother who is the current darling of the Pitea electroacoustic avant-garde and saw him perform his chamber piece, played by the Pitea music school. I was sorry to miss the finished piece performed by a full chamber group to much praise in Stockholm later in the month. You can now see his latest works and news at http://www.tomdunstan.tk/. Represent!

The only souvenir I take from Piteå is a bruise the size of a cricket ball on my leg. Tom corked me an absolute beauty when we were bored one night. Tom, I have not easily forgotten that wound and will return the sentiment when we meet again in Holland. Touché, mon ami!

-sammyd
samueldunstan@hotmail.com

Proof I was there:

At the magnificent Royal Palace in Stockholm, we witnessed all the pomp and national pride that comes with the changing of their royal guard. In a tradition of kitsch (think ABBA) nearly as proud as their millitary, they followed their drum exercises with a medley of John William's Star Wars themes. Tom noted it for its flawless percussion, which is something I guess.


This is Tom, Lotten and I enjoying the local Stockholm boheme. Tom and I are happy because we haven´t received our bill yet. It was the size of a small mortgage. Lotten didn´t mind so much because her student allowance from the government is the size of a small mortgage.


Once the scourge of Europe, Vikings invented terrorism and had a monopoly on looting and pillaging for hundreds of years. Now they make pizza in sleepy Pitea and aren´t nearly as scary. They even give you garlic bread for free.


Swedish forests are very serene places. The moss and brush covers the ground in an intricate carpet and you can walk for ages without seeming to have travelled any ground at all. In fact, I got really lost after taking this photo.


If you're thinking 'Sam and Tom seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time standing in forests' - you'd be right.


You know what? It didn't happen. I felt so cheated.


'Hurry up Fidö, we haf to get home to our pitepalt!'
'Woof!'